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| 06:28pm 04/03/2006 |
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Oh my another dream. I don't dream very often at all, maybe once every three or 4 months and it can go longer stretched than that too. I remember having three dreams this year...one I will not disclose thats very personal, a lot more personal than most, the one about Walter hanging himself, that was just disturbing, and now this one...
If you know me well enough, you know that my ex was a cheater. We broke up because of this right before Christmas, no big loss for me , but the scars remain I think. I guess being in a really disfunctional relationship can really put ideas in your head. Anyway, not only did Walter cheat on meduring that time before Christmas, he also cheated about a year after Noel was born. Her name was Daniela and she was a aupair from Germany, she did up up going back to Germany last thing I knew, but I do wonder if she ever came back because of this dream. I found out about this because one day i went onto the comp and Yahoo messenger had popped up and it was under Walter's s/n. She wanted to be added as a friend so i added her myself and as soon as I did she had sent a message for Walter saying "love you". immediatley I begin to wonder, so I asked who she was and she told me. I told her who was too. So she asked if I knew his email p/w. I did so I took a peek, sure enough there was all the evidence one needed to destroy a relationship. I confronted Walter with the evidence, but all i got was deny, deny, deny, admit a little bit and then deny some more. I did eventually forgive him thinking that it would be besat for everyone, thought it was a one time thing, but with cheaters it never is. So now that you have a bit of a background on this here is my dream...
I'm sitting with my kids in my living room playing some game when the doorbell rings...the doorbell rings a lot here anyway. So I went to answer the door and the first thing I saw was a cab taking off and when I looked down there was a little 4 year old boy standing there with a note and his backpack. I took him inside so I could read the note. It said :
"He said you would never bitch about ever having to take care of any child. He said you were an awesome mother to his other children. He said you should never find out about all of this, but now that he is gone you need to know. Please take care of my baby, tell him to help you, I can't take care of him anymore. I need to get my life stright before I can do any of that. I'm using and I'm really messed up. I won't be back for him.
Daniella"
So I'm in total shock, but I look in this childs backpack and I find all his vital papers and records with his last name...Clayton. I dropped to the floor and cried because it brought back every terrible memory that i had of that point in time. Once I got myself up off the floor I looked at this poor thing...I looked closer than before to see if he had any of Walter's features, any of his mannerisms...the only thing he had were glasses, whcih walter always had needed. And when I got him near me to talk to me, I noticed something else...he had been horribly abused. This boy had a black eye that was fading, he scars on his face, and bruises all over his body. She was hurting him. She didn't want to hurt him anymore, so she knew he wuold be safe with me. She knew enough to send him to me. I called Walter even though he never did answer, he didn't care. That night I hugged that boy close to assure him that everything was going to be okay, I don't think I've ever hugged someone that hard or that long. I said I love you even if no one else does. The he spoke for the first time...he said "my name is David, and I love you too"
Thats when I woke up, maybe there is a little David out there but I really hope he isn't being hurt, or destroyed emotionally. I hope if there is a David out there that he is getting the best. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Amazing |
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| 10:42am 15/02/2006 |
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Well I got to meet Giorgio...also known as Mr. 4 Gas Station guy. He said he had a suprise for me because yesterday was V-Day of course. Anyhoo he brought me a heart shaped box of chocolates, 2 huge bags of the Hersheys Treasures, a huge bouquet of flowers, a card, a Tommy Hilfiger Handbag (boy has good taste), and some Kenneth Cole body cream...which by the way smells soooo good, and 4 packs of ciggarettes, oh btw, no gas stations...lol. All of that was very nice of him he didn't have to do any of it but it was reeeallly nice of him. We were talking about his home country which is Lebonon, he said it is a beautiful country, and he talked about his mother (which I thought was cool). He only got to stay for 2 hours though...there was a problem at the gas station that he had to attend to, but I am really looking forward to seeing him again. He is good looking too, well kept dresses nicely. Yeah I like him. I'm not getting my hopes up though because every time I do i get disappointed I'm just gonna see how it goes. So far so good though. |
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| Men...and why I hate them |
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| 01:36pm 11/02/2006 |
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Ok I don't HATE men, but they are aggravating. Tommy wants us to "see" each other now. Not too into that, even though it's tempting. I want to go out on dates and meet new people and not waste my life in this house waiting for him to grow up. I've waited 7 years and it still hasn't happened. I notice lots of men who are nothing but babies. I have babies already I got my tubes tied for a reason...because I ddin't want anymore. *sigh* Wahtever we'll see how it goes. First Walter and then Tommy and now this. I am kind of digging the 4 gas station guy though. He seems real nice and sincere. I dunno. They all seem that way to me at first. I want to meet someone who is being sincere at first, I want to nkow what I'm dealing with right off the bat..not wait until a couple of months or maybe years go by and then find out. Oh well...so it goes.
In other nes there is a really yucky snowstorm heading this way. Joy. I hate snow with all my being. I want to move somewhere where I never have to see that stuff again. It keeps me homebound and it makes me want to choke someone. I mean we are supposed to get anywhere from 8-14 inces of that shit...ewww...yes ewww and that all I have to say. My sis heard that we might even get up to 20". I better find some stuff to do fast. My kids will be going insane...i should make some more play-doh. I made play-doh last week and it came out awesome! Ok i'm going...I need a life...maybe I'll find one while I'm gone...lol. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Gotta Love It |
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| 09:17pm 10/02/2006 |
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Ahhhhh....
It is Friday night...where am I? Home. What else is new. I need to get out of dodge and get some sort of social life. I guess I shouldn't complain, the kids are all asleep, I can do pretty much whatever I want (within reason), and I should just go lay down and relax. I don't think I'll do that though just because I'm antsy. Maybe I'll go knit...but ehhh. I don't know what to do with myself and it's not even 9:30. hmmmph. Oh well...more about my day...
Nothing too exciting happened. I did however start chatting with this guy that is "interested" in me. He seems pretty secure in a lot of aspects...he owns four gas stations which is interesting I suppose. Other than that not much happened, been trying to get my food all stretched out till next Tuesday, silly food stamps...I think they should come every two weeks not once a month. Oh well...I'm going to bed my back hurts and I need sleep i think. |
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missy_mcfussy's journal
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